Attachment and the Nervous System: 5 Tools for Relationship Anxiety
Attachment theory has gained significant traction in recent years as a way to help define and understand complex relational patterns that originate in childhood. John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth (Ainsworth & Bowlby, 1991) are the founders of created attachment theory as they observed their attempts to understand how children interact with their mothers or primary caregivers, but today, Attachment Theory has expanded beyond the Although ideas of attachment theory started in the field of child development Attachment Theory has become a context in the psychology world to a popular way that psychologists examine all of a person’s relationships, especially adult romantic relationships of romantic nature in adult life. Books like Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment by Amir Levine and Rachel S. F. Heller, have become mainstream reading, and many clients come into therapy session having already having read the book and considered as a context for their own attachment patterns.
While I have found Attachment Theory to be a useful one for many clients, I’ve noticed a pattern of clients that many feeling experience shame and develop a belief that they are doomed to continue their attachment patterns indefinitely, especially after reading the literature and looking at online forums. A client who identified as “avoidant” attached told me tearfully in session that when she looked up her attachment style online, she discovered that posts said that avoidants should kill themselves so they don’t hurt others. While this approach to Attachment theory is hyperbolic and misleading—not to mention distressing and disempowering—it stems from a speech that distorts realities on the Internet like many subject matters; something about it resonated with me about the subject matter.
If as complex as attachment theory is, it is imperative to understand that the fundamental principle of Attachment theory is that being a deregulation (or a lack of regulation) of the nervous system in relationships colors our perspective of the human experience of relationships. The shared experience with all forms of attachment, except for “secure”, originate from a feeling of fear and lack of safety, and these feelings are experienced first and foremost in the body. Once we know where and how, there are many useful interventions when feeling activated in a relationship.
Focus on physical regulation – That means mindfulness activities including but not limited to breathwork, body scans, guided meditation or any technique to regulate the nervous system. This could be as simple as listening to music you like and bringing attention to the physical sensations of the sound.
If you have secure relationships with family or friends use those relationships to reregulate your system – Since the idea is that romantic relationships are the most triggering for attachment, lean in to relationships that are secure. That might look like calling a friend or family member who provides a "safe harbor" to help lower your heart rate and ground your thoughts.
PAUSE – Nothing is urgent. Give yourself time to process by allowing space for the feelings. If you have anxious attachment this can feel like torture as you regulate your system by getting reassurance from your partner. There is an implicit impulse to take quick actions, which may look like distancing from a partner, breaking up or making more commitment. Wait until the "physiological storm" has passed before making a decision.
Externalization – Separate your identity from your survival responses. You are not "an avoidant person"; you are a person whose nervous system is currently utilizing a "distancing" strategy to maintain a sense of safety.
Name the activation: Refer to the feeling as "The Wall," "The Siren," or "The Alarm." By naming it, you move from being the emotion to observing it.
Language shifts: Instead of saying "I am anxious," try "I am noticing an anxious activation in my chest." This creates a buffer between your core self and the temporary state of your body.
Acceptance – This is the radical acknowledgment of your body’s current reality without judgment. Acceptance is the prerequisite for change; you cannot navigate a map if you refuse to acknowledge the "You Are Here" marker.
Release the "Shoulds": Accept that your nervous system has a sensitive alarm system. Judging yourself for feeling "activated" only adds a second layer of stress (shame) onto the original trigger.
Understand the Paradox: When you accept yourself exactly as you are, you create the safety required to actually change. Accepting a tendency allows you to work with your body instead of fighting against it.
Earned Security: Healing is not about never feeling triggered again; it is about increasing the speed and ease with which you can return to a regulated state.
